I have nothing against sheep, but for as long as I can remember, when I’ve been lying awake at night only one thing helps me fall asleep: imagining I’m getting my photo taken for a magazine.
This might make me super vain, but it works. I imagine I’m in some sort of warehouse space or New York apartment, and well-dressed stylists with beat-up cell phones and huge ironic glasses are rushing around offering me things to wear:
I’m sitting in a chair drinking water so sparkling I’m almost choking, while someone does my makeup - amazing makeup that makes my face look like a wet expensive peach.
Then (if I’m still awake) it’s time for photos, and there’s a wind machine, and a set, and snacks and more of that sparkling water.
And obviously I look amazing, like we all knew I would. The camera loves me.
The whole daydream was perfect, until I actually got my picture taken in real life a few times, and realized I’m terrible at getting my picture taken. The thing no one tells you about photoshoots is that you don’t suddenly become a whole new person with the right kind of eyebrows and an innate knowledge of what to do with your fingers.
When I get a photo taken, I have to use the same face my mom takes pictures of at family gatherings, the same face that sits and looks at my phone on the bus, the same face that stares at me when I’m checking my reflection to see if there’s something in my teeth.
The camera doesn’t hate me, but we’re not close. It definitely doesn’t love me. If you have any new ideas for things to think about while falling asleep, I’d love to hear them.
Here are some photos Chancelor Humphrey took of me pretending to look relaxed and normal, for the Children’s Museum of Pittsburgh:
Some bad news about photoshoots
I go on detailed tours of homes I’ve been in. Like, I walk in the front door of my grandmothers house from 20 years ago and then look at all the things. It works great for me!
I count backwards from 99 in Spanish. (Why not from 100? Because I can't remember the Spanish word for 100.) It requires just enough thought to keep my mind from thinking about other things, but not so much that it keeps me awake. I've tried counting backwards in German, to mix it up, I guess, but it's just not the same.